inzide theze white heelz i was bleeding //

who knew how hard one could party in a large town that often sleeps through the night, every night. i did not and fell in love with anything that could keep me up. the rock'n roll of my own making cuz no one else were creating it the way i wanted. beer, wine, cocktailz and male attention on repeat. loved it. smelled and inhaled it. literally. it never really fucked me over. not hard enough so the freedom of it kept me going. i stayed up. and now I’m waiting for the next sentence/chapter. The Until. but it might never come maybe becauze i don’t believe in it anymore. It never existed. It’s a lie. Of innocence returning scraping away anything dirrty. I don’t want that. I ask myself how I can bind complexity, not like a puzzle because puzzles have endings when u figure them out. who wants to be figured out. but how to keep myzelf yet slow down the stuff that slowly kill. not when you’re 30. or 40. but maybe when i’m 50, somewhere there. and how will i raise a child. not there yet, but in my mind. i have said to my therapist, by start using my mind. at least more than what is being uzed now. searching for meaning, more of it cuz i have found a bunch already. but in irl. waiting and drinking. polish myzelf with no money. dænze. fuck. love. carry white dresses and continue embracing a zmall culture i once hated. see if it fits, trying not to force anything. not for anyone. tho i love them, everyone. and i love a Man's Man. therez lotz of them here. i found one. he makes thingz real. or iz it me. im scared to loose him but im more scared of loozing myself. progress one can say. i say; aye. not joking.